I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
