We won't sleep together?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
