i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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