No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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