my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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