this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
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