Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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