Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
