i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
