these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
