Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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