i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
