Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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