I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
