I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
These tits shall not be calmed
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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