My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
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I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
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She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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