I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
