It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
