I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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