fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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