Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
