So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
