it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Drunk is not a location!
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
