Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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