The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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