i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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