My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
