a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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