what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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