I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just threw up on my dentist
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Boobs speak an international language.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
