k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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