weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Randomize
