If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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