who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
