you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
