I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
