Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
