Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
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