i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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