You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
