quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
