sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
