It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
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How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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