So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
