She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
