I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
