We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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