Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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