She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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