It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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