I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
