she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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