I wish I could teleport
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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