i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
