She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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