he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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