Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
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Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
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Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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