he wants to bone in the snuggie
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
