my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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